The Babylon Bee’s Top Predictions For 2022


It’s that time of year again – when the infallible prophets at The Babylon Bee tell you what will happen in the next year with 100% accuracy! Will 2022 be better than this year? You decide! 

Here is a definitive list of things that will happen in 2022:

January 1 – USPS will deliver your Christmas package

January 6 – Second insurrection attempt canceled 

January 20 – Pfizer unveils booster shots 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8

January 21 – Men break every record ever held by women

January 22 – Harvard gender studies professor discovers five new pronouns

January 23 – The Babylon Bee discovers a 3rd conservative joke

January 25 – Obama releases another memoir

January 27 – Mark Zuckerberg finally learns how to smile with his eyes

February 1 – WHO runs out of Greek letters for variants and starts naming them after the Muppets

February 2 – Jan 6th committee finally catches your Grandma

February 26 – China officially annexes United States

March 1 – Bill Clinton plants the flag on brand new Epstein Island

March 3 – Space Force training exercise accidentally blows up Mars

March 10 – Obama releases yet another new memoir

March 25 – Meat is outlawed, replaced with delicious bugs instead

April 1 – AOC red-pilled after reading an economics book

April 19 – Man dressed as woman hailed as first woman to not complain about being cold

May 5 – Hollywood studio announces all-female reboot of Ghostbusters: Afterlife 

May 10 – Firefly renewed for 12 new seasons. Unfortunately, it’s written by the writers of the 2nd season of Ted Lasso 

June 6 – AOC tweets something dumb 

August 15 – The only child to be named “Brandon” for the entire year is born

September 5 – Jen Psaki becomes Ben Psaki

October 8 – Obama releases new memoir

October 11 – Ted Cruz finally gets to spend a week in Cancun

November 17 – Republicans bravely squander control of Congress

December 10th – You still can’t get your hands on a PS5

December 25 – Christmas will occur on this day

December 27 – Obama releases new memoir

December 30 – Ghislaine Maxwell’s black book leaked, will be released in January

December 31 – Jesus returns

Tyler Durden
Sun, 01/02/2022 – 22:10

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